I'm back, and as usual everything went to hell while I was gone.

Imagine a world without sports.

Sure, without sports we wouldn't have watery beer, stadium boondoggles, or sweatpants as casual wear.  Then again, we might also have fewer media outlets for people like this guy, who wants to hit cyclists with his car:

Hey @nflnetwork -- are you going to fire @HeathEvans44 for saying he wants to hit cyclists with his car? pic.twitter.com/5JCp9hyVTG

— Daniel McMahon (@cyclingreporter) August 20, 2016

Bicycle riders you do not own the road! Respectfully, Heath (I wanna hit you w/ my car) Evans.

Wow.

As a dedicated non-fan of the NFL and ball sports in general (pocket pool excluded) I didn't know who Heath Evans was, so I looked him up on a popular user-edited online encyclopedia:

Evans is well known for his Christianity...

Figures.

I also checked his Twitter bio:

10 Yr NFL Veteran & Analyst for @NFLNETWORK Don't dish it if you can't take it! 

Alas, I guess he dished it out but he couldn't take it, because he subsequently deleted his tweet and issued something that bears the same relationship to an apology as his shriveled 'roid nuts do to actual testicles:

Oh please.  You didn't mean to offend anybody when you said you wanted to hit them with your car the same way I don't want you to experience any pain when someone dressed as Jesus shoves a football up your ass.

Speaking of Jesus, what indignity could possibly have prompted his murderous outburst?  Yep, you guessed it, he had to slow down for some cyclists while driving once:

I'm not a Bible scholar so perhaps noted Christian heath Evans can remind me: Which is the gospel where Jesus gets really angry because some slow-moving lepers are holding up his donkey ride into Jerusalem?

It also shouldn't surprise you to learn that between his initial tweet and his retraction he explained that he thought that cyclists belong on the sidewalk:

You know, because it's safer for EVERYONE:

I realize this guy's probably taken many blows to the head over the years, but does he really think that would work out well for pedestrians?

Actually, it looks like he lives in Florida, so he's probably never even seen a pedestrian.

Speaking of "sports analysts," check out this she-bro driving in the bike lane:

She really should just drive on the sidewalk, that would be safer for EVERYONE.

By the way, this is someone who writes for Sports Illustrated.  SPORTS FUCKING ILLUSTRATED!  How does that even still exist in 2016?  The entire enterprise is entirely subsidized by an annual softcore porn issue for the rapidly diminishing number of horny teenagers and old men who still don't have Internet access:

But sure, why shouldn't she get to drive in the bike lane so she can crank out the filler they publish the rest of the year?

Lastly, for my fellow New Yorkers, here's your regular reminder that you're on your own:

Thanks to a civil suit filed by the family, information surfaced that NYPD never collected in its crash investigation. In her deposition, Venedam said she had gotten off the highway to call a friend and check her location on Google Maps, which remained open in her passenger seat as she merged back onto the highway.

The lawyer for Brenner’s estate, Daniel Flanzig, told DNA that this information was critical to Judge Regina Rinaldi’s decision and blasted NYPD for its “completely insufficient” investigation.

It's great to be back.